Saturday, June 26, 2010

The Football World Cup for the cricket fan

Being the diehard cricket fan that I am, the football World Cup has generated an inordinate amount of interest in me. My uselessness at home without an internship has given me all the time in the world to watch, at last count, 5 live sporting events at the same time (2 football matches + the Asia Cup + England v Australia ODIs + Wimbledon) and despite the fact that I usually prefer both cricket and tennis over football, the World Cup has gripped me the most.

Within football, somehow I have always followed international football more keenly than club level, despite the EPL and La Liga being far more popular and possibly at a higher class of the game. I still remember the first ever game of football that I had watched keenly was the 2002 World Cup Round of 16 match between Spain and Ireland. Spain had held on to a very early 1 goal lead for almost the whole match before Robbie Keane got the Irish right back in from the penalty spot in stoppage time. Spain eventually won on penalties and my undying support. Admittedly, the game was completely unremarkable and I still don’t know why I remember it so clearly.

So quite obviously, my favourites this time are Spain, and as it so often is with my favourites (Liverpool, Kolkata Knightriders), they have a habit of making my life miserable. My gut feeling says that it’s going to be Argentina’s year, for there’s nothing quite like the Messi-Maradona combine that they boast of.

The way the tournament has panned out so far has left a lot of people disappointed, particularly because of the poor performance of the European teams. From among the star-studded lineups from the continent, only the Netherlands managed to hold their own with distinction even as all others floundered to losses or draws to lesser sides.

The group stages have come to a close and this is as good a time as any to look back and review the thrills and spills of the weeks gone by and speculate on what might be, and what might have been. Initially, the World Cup matches seemed to be producing far fewer goals than previous editions, as the strikers struggled to come to terms with the controversial Jabulani ball (more on that later) as well as the conditions in South Africa, not to mention the deafening and intimidating Vuvuzelas. But by now there are enough goals scored any given day to keep everyone hooked.

Already, both the finalists of the previous edition have made shameful exits. The last time the defending champions retained their crown was when Brazil did it in ’62, and the Cup has never been lifted by the same side on consecutive occasions since. This means no nation can quite managed to dominate the global sport for a longer duration, though Brazil usually are the favourites. Yet, they have been nowhere as dominant for a sustained period the way Australia have been in cricket and this competitiveness of football is a major departure from the one-sidedness of cricket.

France have totally disgusted me with their performance and attitude, for no player or team is higher than the sport itself. Refusal to train is an absolute disgrace to the game, and utmost disrespect to the nation, no matter how erratic and spineless their coach may have been. They remind me of Pakistan in this regard, infighting, mutiny, the works.

Italy, on the other hand have been stunned by the determination and grit shown by their less-fancied opponents Slovakia and New Zealand. One more than one occasion, their defence, that not so long ago was one of the toughest to split, has been caught napping and they were made to pay. For the first time in the history of the sport, questions have been asked of the fabled Azzurri defence. Gianluigi Buffon’s injury did not help them either.

Now to the most under-fire team of the tournament, England. They were given an easy draw by FIFA, a fact the British media were quick to pounce on, and they have somehow contrived to end up second placed the way only they can. In a sense, this World Cup’s been oddly reminiscent of the Second World War; the French surrender early, the US turn up late, and the English are left to deal with the Germans! They had a million chances against Slovenia but chose to play like millionaires and spurned them all to bring this upon themselves.

Rooney’s been off colour, and coach Fabio Capello’s been forcing him to pair-up up front unsuccessfully. The goalkeeping blunder from Green ensures that his career for the 3 Lions is all but finished, and the Poms have been catapulted from the easiest quarter to the toughest. Yet, yoo’ve jushht got to luve Shteyven Gerrard aand hish luvely aacshent aash he triesh to fend off the Brithish media and cope with their crithicshish. England is as England does, irrespective of which field the game’s on, a fact only too well demonstrated in this hilariously witty cartoon by Beach on Cricinfo Page 2.



Thanks to this shoddy performance from England, the first quarter of the tournament draw is full of underdog sides Uruguay, South Korea, USA and Ghana, the only African side alive. There are no glamorous sides there, and Uruguay, a country with a rich and glorious footballing history, seem to be the clear favourites here unless there is an upset on the cards. In fact, one gets the feeling that even if England had managed to top the group, they would have found Forlan and co. too hot to handle in their potential quarterfinal. Thus, with one of these four making up one half of the first semifinal, they are likely to serve as cannon fodder to the other team to make it to that semi, most likely Brazil, and give them an easy route to the final, at least on paper.

England now find themselves fighting for the same spot in the semis as heavyweights Argentina and Germany, and will be up against it in the Round of 16 game against the Germans. Despite their loss to Serbia, the Germans have been infinitely more impressive and Mesut Ozil is one player to watch out for in the future. They certainly combine much better than the individualistic talents of England and their running off the ball and accurate through passes will certainly make life difficult for the English defence already without the talismanic captian Rio Ferdinand.

Argentina square off against Mexico and while the Central Americans are certainly no pushovers, with the form the Argentines are in, one cannot help but think it’s going to be one-sided. Its high time Messi’s detractors cut him some slack and shut their mouths for, despite his goal drought, he has been phenomenal, setting up goals for his teammates. He is easily the most delightful player to watch on the field across all nations and seems to have finally translated his club form to the Albicelestes. This means Argentina are set to collide with Germany for the most explosive quarterfinal clash, and I’m tipping this to be the match of the tournament. In fact, I’ll be willing to put my money on the winner of this game to go all the way and beat whoever they meet in the finals to lift the trophy.

Coming to the other half of the draw, Italy’s failure has pushed Paraguay to the top and their next match against Japan is another one minus big names. The winner of this encounter will face the winner of the Spain-Portugal blockbuster. The two Iberian sides are chock-full of playmakers, and this matchup will be one of the most delightful to watch. One could expect the winner here to comfortably beat Paraguay or Japan, and advance to the semis, where Argentina or Germany will most likely lie waiting.

Portugal have so far scored the highest number of goals in the tournament (7), along with the Argentines, but have also managed to keep a clean sheet as far as goals let in is concerned. The only other side to manage this has been Uruguay. This gives Cristiano Ronaldo’s men the best GD among all nations, and, incredibly, all their goals have come in the same game, their annihilation of North Korea. The other two, against Brazil and the Ivory Coast finished nil-nil.

Spain, after starting as the favourites, were jolted early by the Swiss. With Torres and Iniesta out, La Furia Roja seemed to be short of ideas in front of goal despite an embarrassing wealth of talent in the midfield. Eventually they have finally come into their own against Chile, though up until they scored their first goal, they looked a bundle of nerves. Torres still hasn’t found his silken touch, but that didn’t matter as flamboyant striker David Villa is in prime form. His first goal against Honduras was a spectacular solo defender-dodging effort, while the one against Chile was bizarre. With the goalkeeper halfway out to the halfline, all he had to do was curl the ball into an empty net, and you can back him to do it 10 times out of 10, even if it’s from 40 metres out. I'm tipping him to win the Golden Boot, and I can't wait to see him turn out for Barcelona next season.

It seems he has been watching Shah Rukh Khan and taking some useful pointers and tips from him. His goal celebration involved first holding both arms out wide the way SRK always does in any song shot in New York for any Karan Johar movie, and then seemed to waltz with an invisible woman on his arm.

With the fullbacks turning into wingers and the centrebacks at the forefront during set-pieces, the Spanish seem to be reprising the ‘Total Football’ tactics that the Dutch had patented years ago. This is to be expected, though, considering that literally half their starting lineup ply their trade for Barcelona (Xavi, Iniesta, Busquets, Puyol, Pique, and now Villa as well), the club that has come closest to emulating those beautiful tactics. Such has been their discipline that they are the only team not to have been shown a single yellow card as yet in the Finals. This was put in stark contrast in the match against Chile when the trigger-happy referee doled out the yellows like candy to the Chileans.

One cannot really expect Slovakia to challenge the Netherlands, who are the only team apart from Argentina to win 3 games out of 3. In the other fixture, Chile find themselves up against it as they face the Samba Boys. Netherlands versus Brazil is another potential nailbiting quarterfinal to watch out for, and the winner will have an easier semi most probably against Uruguay.

The Samba Boys have not yet set the stage alight with their sorcery, but it’s only a matter of time before they do. Kaka has not yet found his touch, and has been at the receiving end of some harsh treatment by the refs, but despite that Brazil have had no problems topping the Group of Death. They seem to have traded their free-flowing style for a strongly organized defence and central midfield, and I suspect Dunga’s had a major contribution to this change. Maicon’s freakish goal from an almost obtuse angle against North Korea remains my favourite goal for I’ve never ever seen anything quite like it up until now. It may have been the Jabulani and its wonky aerodynamics that sent the ball into the net instead of to a Brazilian foot, but even so it remains a most remarkable shot.

Africa, the host continent, of who much was expected pre-tournament, have not quite had it their way with only Ghana making it past the group stages. An increasing number for African footballers have had world class exposure in recent times playing in the various leagues in Europe, and that is only going to improve their standards. Their biggest hope, the Ivory Coast, were unlucky to have been drawn into the Group of Death, and found it too much to cope against Brazil and Portugal. One does feel that things might have panned out differently for the Elephants had they been slotted in another group.

With so many European teams disappointing, it seems the divide between the bigwigs and the minnows has blurred. Never before have so many traditionally strong sides been challenged, and it seems the playing field is being leveled globally. Sides like New Zealand that lack natural skill, flair and talent have made up with sheer physical dominance, and minnows have been practicing their set-pieces to perfection.

Speaking of set-pieces, the most fantastic freekicks seen thus far have come from Japan against Denmark. In the initial phase of the tournament, strikers and goalkeepers alike were complaining about the Jabulani ball that simply refused to behave. So many freekicks from that tempting distance of about 25-30 metres out were seen blasted into orbit way over the crossbar in the initial few days as the Jabulani refused to dip. Even a lot of long through balls and overheads seemed to overshoot their targets by a good margin and this contributed to a lack of goals early on.

In this context, the goals by Honda and Endo of Japan have been nothing short of spectacular. Those were the sort of kicks even the best exponents of the game would be proud to have struck. It’s clear the minnows have mastered the art of scoring from set-pieces to make up for their other shortcomings, and big-name sides need to be wary of this.

So that’s about it from me; let’s hope the quality of football only rises from here on as the business end of one of the greatest spectacles on earth approaches.

Monday, June 7, 2010

Post-egestion cleanliness habits of advanced primates

I, mere days into a foreign trip, have apparently cracked the baffling dilemma that has confounded generations of both Indians and foreigners alike for centuries. I, it appears, quite by chance, have hit upon the precise reason why the Indians are repulsed by the, for want of a better word, asshole-cleaning technique of the foreigners and vice versa.
Now, I think it essential to issue a warning beforehand. This blog is going to be gross, and not for the faint-hearted. Even if you feel up to reading on, I suggest you avoid multitasking this with eating.
The key to why we find wiping our bottoms dry with toilet paper horribly revolting and likewise why the white man finds washing it manually with water equally disgusting lies in the diets. You see, we Indians eat a diet heavy on spicy curries and gravies in the form of daal and sabzi. This results in our excreta being more liquid than solid, and hence we find wiping it quite disgusting and prefer to wash it clean. The diet of the Westerners, on the other hand, constitutes more dry stuff, such as breads and meats. Hence, their excreta is more in the form of solid chunky, definitely a far more thicker consistency (I assume!) than that of ours. This I infer from the fact that the day I switched almost completely to their typical diet of bread, mutton, sausages, beef, the works, there was a marked change in my, erm, toilet contents. I did not even feel the need to use water at all, and I assume Whites have the same feeling.
So there you have it. If there may be a time when the world goes to war over, not oil, not food nor water, but backside-wiping technique, then all that the world leaders will have to do is read this blog to draw out a treaty.
Now the fact remains that my trip ended a week ago and I have been at home ever since. Yet, I intend to continue writing the blog, more for my own satisfaction than for the readers’ (if any) benefit. Since I now have all the time in the world, I am all the more liable to waste it and the only thing I guarantee any interested reader is irregularity.